The apple and the snake
by HELLFIRE7777
Summary: {Lucifer x Sir Pentious} Lucifer didn't like Charlie's idea one bit. But that didn't mean this wannabe reporter bitch could speak to his daughter in such a way. Sir Pentious didn't expect to run into the king of hell on one of his errands. Maybe it wasn't such a wise idea to question Satan himself. Yet maybe it was. Hazbin hotel and its characters belong to Vivienne Medrano
1. Wrong place right time

Lucifer slowly turned off the tv as the news ended. "Did that bitch just call my daughter a failure?!" He screeched at the screen and threw the remote through it. "No one talks shit about my family!" Lucifer got up and stomped through the palace to the limousine. That wannabe reporter would know not to mess with anyone anymore. He would ruin her fucking life.

Lucifer slammed the limousine door shut and ordered the driver to take him to the news station. Lucifer did not think Charlie's idea was a good one. He had refused to support the hotel. Which in turn led to a rough fight between his daughter and him. Charlie had eventually packed her things to go live with her girlfriend. The moth. What was her name? ... not like it mattered to Lucifer. Charlie would return. Eventually.

None of all that meant that some wannabe reporter could just make fun of his baby doll like that. Lucifer growled lowly as they drove. He stared out of the window, watching Hell's scenery pass him by. He raised an eyebrow at the mess of yolk, eggshells and ruined buildings on their way to the news station. Lucifer shrugged. Hell's denizens could do whatever the fuck they wanted.

He stepped out of the car his toothy smile in place as he strolled into the studio. "Sir? You can't be here." A small demon tried to foolishly stop Lucifer. The king of hell turned to glare at him. "I own all of you. I can go wherever I want." He hissed softly his aura screaming pure murder. The small demon fainted as realisation painted over his face. Lucifer chuckled and continued on his way to the dressing rooms.

Katie Killjoy smirked as she watched the ratings of their last report skyrocket. Things were going pretty well for her. The fight she had with the princess already had over 5000 views. She laughed as she scrolled down to the comments and stopped laughing when someone kicked her door down. Katie twitched and turned her head 180 degrees to see who dared walk into her dressing room. Her face paled when she recognised the white face and the rosy red cheeks. Her face paled even further when she realised he looked absolutely livid.

"Why my dear Katie. It's been a while since we had an interview... isn't it?" Lucifer ended his sentence with a dangerous tilt to his voice.

Katie laughed nervously. "Ah yes. I figured you wouldn't want to deal with such a small news station as ours anymore?" She smiled hopefully.

Lucifer growled and slammed the hard golden apple of his cane into her teeth. "DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULDN'T WATCH MY DAUGHTER'S INTERVIEW?" He screamed at her in pure rage.

Katie crawled back holding her teeth. "Ah. I thought..." Lucifer cut her off by grabbing her collar. "That's the problem with you demons. You think. Too. Much." He dragged her out of the dressing room and into the streets.

Katie's cocky attitude had completely disappeared. She knew he was one of the few people in hell who could kill her for good. She sniffled pathetically as he dragged her along to a quiet alleyway.

"Am I not good enough to deserve your torture chambers?" Katie asked him, putting in the last bit of her attitude in that one sentence. Her voice had gained a lisp due to her ruined teeth. Wich made her sound less impressive, more pathetic.

"No you're not. You can die like the slut you are. Broken and beaten in an alley." Lucifer laughed at her. Picking a nice, quiet and dark alley next to a tall victorian styled mansion.

Lucifer's grin never faltered as he methodically broke every single one of her bones. Her screams ringing out through the alley.

Sir Pentious had been trying to sleep off the complete and utter defeat delivered to him by the radio demon. His one lone eggboy in the cloning machine as he remade his army.

The screams next to his mansion weren't helping him sleep however. His eyes twitched in irritation. Grabbing a random shirt, with an extremely ugly red and yellow Hawaiian print, he put it on. Deciding he wouldn't need his top hat Sir Pentious slithered to the alley near his house.

"Could you lot keep it down?!" He hissed at the dark figures. One pair of hopeful red eyes stared at him. Another pair of angry yellow eyes turned on him. "I'm trying to sleep." Sir Pentious hissed. Not bothered by the glare.

"Sure. I was done anyways." Lucifer purred. Before Katie realised what he meant by that, Lucifer had stabbed her with his cane. She was dead in an instant. "Ugh. She bled on my jacket." Lucifer complained as Sir Pentious approached him curiously.

"My king!" Sir Pentious finally realised who he was. He instantly regretted his choice of attire. The Hawaiian shirt didn't do much for him.

Lucifer looked up with a smirk. "At least someone has respect for me and my family." He hummed as he tried wiping the blood off his shirt.

"Certainly. Yes of course... what are you doing here?" Sir Pen dared to ask him. His hood was flared nervously.

"Teaching a reporter a lesson." Lucifer answered.

"... is it because of how she treated Charlie? Shouldn't you you know. Go see your daughter instead? She's a.. total bae. She would much rather see you than have you kill someone on her behalf." Sir pentious pointed out.

Lucifer stared at him flabbergasted. "First off. You don't use bae like that. Second. Don't you tell me how to be a parent mr I use eggs as minions!" Lucifer stepped closer to him.

"At least my minions listen to me and adore me." Sir pentious smiled innocently.

Lucifer looked about to explode. Sir Pen was 90 percent sure he was a goner. Why did he open his mouth?

"You know what. Fine. I'll make a bet with you. If she's happy to see me I'll do follow your orders for a week. But if she doesn't want to see me. Wich let's be honest here. She probably hates me. I can do whatever I want to to you." Lucifer hummed. "Sound fair?" He blinked his eyes innocently at Sir Pentious.

Sir Pen grinned. The king of hell Lucifer under his command. Yes! Cherri would finally get what she deserves. "It's a deal."

They shook on it.


	2. Did you miss me?

The next morning Lucifer combed his hair. He wished to look good before he went to see his daughter. Due to the fight he and Charlie had a couple of weeks ago, he was 87 percent sure Charlie wouldn't be happy to see him. The king of hell nervously straightened out his jacket before chastising himself. He was Lucifer Magne. He didn't do nervous.

Yet when Lucifer stood in front of the hotel, he wondered how bad an idea it would be to not go in. He reminded himself of the annoying snake and their deal from last night. Time to prove the king pin wrong.

Lucifer knocked and let himself in. There wasnt anyone in the lobby as far as Lucifer could see. He looked at the Magne family painting with a small smile. While he and Lilith had hit a rough patch he still loved her. Lucifer just found that he wasn't... you know... Straight. Sex with Lilith had been awesome. But honestly he didn't wish to spend the rest of eternity with her as his wife. No. Lilith was nowadays more like a sister to him.

Pulling himself out of his thoughts he turned to look at the front desk. Lucifer realised there was indeed someone here. They were just asleep, hugging a bottle of cheap booze to their chest. "Excuse me?" Lucifer hummed as he tried to wake up the cat? Bird? Catbird demon.

Husk looked up startled. "What do ya want?" He hiccuped and groaned.

"I would like to speak to Charlie... if she's in." Lucifer answered. He glared at the drunk receptionist.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"I.. " Lucifer blinked. "I am her father." He huffed indignantly.

Husk took a swing of his cheap booze. "Do you have an appointment." He repeated lazily.

Lucifer growled lowly and reached out to grab Husk by the neck when something else grabbed his attention. The static came first then the ominous chill. "Did you miss me?"

Lucifer turned around to face Alastor. "What in the name of me are you doing here?" He growled. The king of hell did not appreciate his daughter hanging out with the radio demon.

"Why I was simply bored is all." Alastor bowed. His usual grin stuck in place.

Lucifer narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the radio demon. "I'm sure that's what this is." He growled.

Husk hid underneath the counter. The tension in the room was starting to become a little too much for him.

"Pappa." Charlie tackled her father with a cheer.

' She's happy to see me? ... I just lost the bet didn't I?' Lucifer paled slightly at the thought of having to tell the snake he was right. "Hello Charlie."

"I'm so glad you're here. The.. interview didn't go well. But!" She raised a finger. "At least Alastor joined us."

"Thank father for that." Lucifer glared at Alastor, who's shit eating grin widened.

"Yes! Things are finally looking up for the hotel." Charlie smiled happily.

"So you seem happy to see me?" Lucifer asked carefully

"Why wouldn't I be? You're my dad. Even though you don't support the hotel, I still love you." Charlie hugged him tightly.

' shit.. that snake was right.' Lucifer felt like hitting himself for making the stupid deal. He should have known his ray of sunshine would never stay mad at him.

"So why did you come here anyways?" Alastor hummed.

"Afraid I'm going to fuck up your plans, Radio Demon?" Lucifer grinned.

"Yes."

"Try anything and I will grind you into stardust."

"Hah. You're very cute, my king." Alastor chuckled.

Lucifer's eye twitched in agitation. "If you must know... I came to support my daughter."

"Why?" Charlie and Alastor asked both at the same time. "It's not like you've done so before." Charlie looked curiously at her father.

"I can visit my daughter if I want to." Lucifer tried to defend himself.

"Someone told you to didn't they?" Alastor chuckled.

Lucifer flushed slightly. "No!" 'why do I feel outnumbered?'

"All that matters is that you're here." Charlie smiled happily.

Lucifer sighed. "I just wanted to check up on you. I'm not staying for long."

Lucifer made the mistake of looking into Charlie's puppydog-eyes. "Fine.." He sighed. "I suppose I can spend one night at the hotel."

Charlie cheered and hugged her father. Alastor however didn't look as happy. Lucifer was a threat. One of the few who were a danger to him. Alastor didn't let his emotions show. His sharper smile being the only indigation of his dissatisfaction.

Charlie chatted happily with her father as she showed him around. Alastor trailing behind them. Keeping a close eye on the king.

Lucifer strolled up to the Victorian mansion with a sneer on his face. He wasn't looking forward to this part. With a sigh and a growl he knocked.

Sir Pentious, now looking much more dressed, opened the door. "I've been expecting you." The king pin looked smug. As if he knew.

"You look smug for someone who's about to experience true hell." Lucifer hummed.

Sir Pentious frowned and deflated a little. "She wasn't happy to see you?" That didn't sound like the princess of hell he knew.

"Oh she was. Ecstatic even." Lucifer grumbled softly. "Move aside. You're spending the week with me." The king of Hell did his best to keep his dignity.

Sir Pentious laughed. "I knew it. " his hood flared in excitement. "So I have you to myself for a week?~" he hissed softly. The satisfied smug look on his face made Lucifer want to punch him.

"Indeed." The devil grumbled.

"Swell." Sir Pentious slithered into his home, closing the door behind him.

Lucifer glanced at him with a puzzled expression. "You seriously need to be updated on modern slang."

Sir Pentious looked offended. "My lingo is groovy."

"Not correct and outdated." Lucifer cringed. "You sound like a grandparent trying to keep up with the hip kids."

"At least I dont make deals that could put me in an awkward position." Sir Pentious hissed at Lucifer. "If you're so good at.. slang.. then my first order of the week is for you to teach me. Wait no! You have to make me popular!"


	3. The deal

Lucifer stared at him silently. "Impossible." He huffed.

Sir Pentious raised his hood angrily. "What do you mean impossible?!" The snake demon hissed at the king.

"Easy. You're lame. I cant just make you 'hip with the kids' within a week." He used his fingers to make air quotations.

The snake demon looked incredibly offended. "I'm not lame. I'm dope."

Lucifer pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh father you're such a dork. If I had to describe you I'd call you cute. Especially with your eggy minions."

"You think I'm cute?" Sir Pentious looked at him curiously.

Lucifer blushed slightly. "That was not a compliment dipshit. You want to be feared and revered right?"

Pentious nodded eagerly. "Yes I want to be the coolest."

"Then you don't want people thinking you're cute. Now do you?"

"I suppose not." The snake demon frowned.

"Let's start with etiquette. Just. Stop using the slang. You're not good at it at all. I'm also willing to bet you're not on social media for long periods of time. Correct?" Lucifer asked him.

"You're right. I don't do that. Eggboi number 666 handles my social media." Sir Pentious hummed.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow at him. "No wonder you're a lost cause. Alright so here's the plan. We're going to reinvent your image."

Sir Pen felt excitement bubble up in his chest. Finally. Maybe then he could gain a few supporters. The take over of hell would be so much smoother if people supported him.

"You're a classy snake with style. So talk like that. No more words like groovy and hip. You don't know how to use them and I dont trust you with them." Lucifer listed off.

Sir Pentious had one of his minions take notes for him.

"We'll have to reinvent your image. Less huge dork, more.. evil king pin."

"You're one to talk. Mister clownface." The snake demon muttered. He was fed up with Lucifer talking down on him.

"Hey I'm fucking fabulous!"

"All I'm saying is people think you're a joke. Especially since the birth of your daughter." Sir Pentious huffed.

Lucifer narrowed his eyes at him. "The difference between you and me is that i want people to underestimate me. I also dont care. That however doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing."

Sir Pentious backed off a little. He had forgotten for a second that this was a powerful and ancient being. One that could destroy him with ease. "So... working on my image then?" He tried to distract the devil.

Lucifer's expression brightened as he launched into an explanation of his brilliant plan to make the Snake Demon more popular.

Sir pentious blinked in surprise as Lucifer took him to a bar. "Why are we here?"

"To further your social image." Lucifer hummed and pickpocketed an unfortunate soul. He used the money to buy them drinks.

"How is visiting a bar going to make me more popular?" Sir Pen looked way out of his element.

"It creates a public image and gives you inspiration for lots of things." Lucifer handed him one of the strongest drinks they had.

Sir Pentious frowned at it and drank the glass like a it was water.

"No! Don't.." Lucifer sighed when a drunk off of his ass snake fell into his arms. "You're right. This was a terrible idea."

"Nnno. No. Thisss wass a great idea!" Sir Pentious hissed with a grin. "You look so.. pretty like this." He stroked Lucifers face with the back of his hand. Someone snapped a picture of them.

"Tweet that and I break your fucking neck." Lucifer snarled at the demon who ran off quickly.

"Let's sing!" The snake demon dragged the king of hell to the stage. "Wait what??! No no. I don't do singing." Lucifer tried to deny the microphone being thrust in his hands.

The music of stairway to heaven started to play. "Really. This is not even a duet... Pentious!" Lucifer yelled as he spotted the snake among the crowd.

"Go Luci!" The drunk snake cheered. He had jumped off the stage leaving the fallen angel on his own.

Lucifer swallowed down his anxiety and managed to do a fantastic job with the song. At the end the crowd cheered for an encore. Lucifer flushed. It had been a while since he had sung. Maybe... he was enjoying himself.

Lucifer eventually let up and started up the next song. ACDC's highway to hell started playing. Lucifer chuckled at the irony. He got most of the audience to sing along with him.

Around five songs later Lucifer rejoined Sir Pentious. "That... was fun." He admitted. Lucifer felt alive. He was practically vibrating with excitement.

"Wassssn't it?" Sir Pen purred with half lidded eyes. "Please tell me you stayed away from the drinks." Lucifer frowned slightly. "If I had known you were a light weight I wouldn't have brought you here."

Sir Pentious quickly shoved the five empty glasses off the table. Letting them crash to the floor. "Nope. No drinks."

Lucifer looked completely unimpressed. "Smooth."

"Thisss wass fun." Sir Pen hummed. "Let's hit the next bar." He started dragging Lucifer along.

"Well what do ya know. He used a modern term correctly." Lucifer looked amused. He let himself be dragged out of the bar.

Three different bars, too many drinks and a couple more performances courtesy of Lucifer, they finally made their way home. They were both drunk off their asses.

"Wait wait." Lucifer giggled. "We should... mmmh.. we should post a picture. To celebrate our new ffffrrriensdship." He slurred.

Sir Pen laughed. Everything was funny to him now. "You do it. I... " he hiccuped. "I dont know how to work a camera!" He laughed.

Lucifer giggled. "That's fucking hilarious. Come come come. Post picture to your account." He grabbed the snake demon's phone. Wrapping his arm around Sir Pen, they both gave the camera silly smiles.

Lucifer took the picture and handed the phone back to Sir Pentious. "Ok ok.. ok. Now... tag it." He pointed at the picture.

The king pin laughed. "I dont fucking know how to do that."

"Write.. hanging out with the king. Bitches." Lucifer hiccuped.

Sir pentious nodded and quickly wrote it down. "Aaand post."

"We're so going to regret everything tomorrow." Lucifer laughed and pulled Sir Pentious inside the mansion.

They passed out together on the couch. The apple on top of the snake. The snake wrapped himself around the apple possesively as they slept off their drunken haze.


	4. The hangover

Lucifer groaned softly and snuggled into the cool comfy hold of his bed companion. He frowned slightly. Why was in bed with someone? He opened his eyes and spotted the naked yellow and black chest of one particular demon snake. Lucifer pulled back violently and fell off the couch. He groaned and grabbed his head. "Fuck. What happened last night?"

"Keep it down." Sir Pentious whined from th couch.

"Ok no. Were pathetic like this. " Lucifer snapped his fingers and cleaned the two of them up.

"Can't you make the hangover dissapear?" Sir Pen whined dramatically.

"I can not. Something about consequences and such." Lucifer grumbled.

The snake demon grumbled and picked his phone up. His eyes went comically wide at the sight of his notifications. "Uh... king?" He carefully showed the devil his phone.

"Unholy love of bloody mary..." lucifer scrolled through them. "What did you post?" He asked.

"I dont know?!" Sir Pentious threw his hands up.

Together they looked through the posts of last night. There were a lot of #fallenangelofmusic in there and a couple of #barhopping. Until they got to a post made by Sir Pentious... with a picture of them sharing a heated kiss.

Both lurched backwards. "What the fuck happened last night?" Luciter paled. "That's not the picture we took!" He pointed at the phone.

The snake demon scrolled through the comments. "Your wife wishes you luck." He spoke up with a small smirk.

"My wha.. oh Lilith. We're not married." Lucifer crossed his arms.

"That explains why she's not trying to castrate me.." Sir Pen hummed softly. "There's more posts like this one. Also a video of me slapping your ass." He felt his face heat up.

Lucifer groaned and hid his face into a pillow. "I will never go outside again!"

"I thought you didn't care about your image?" Sir Pentious smirked. He was greatly enjoying Lucifer's suffering.

Lucifer sputtered. "I don't but this is different. This is... two embarrassing drunks doing stupid shit." He gestured at the phone.

"Look on the upside. You made me immensely popular. People are calling me your pimp. Especially since I pushed you on stage. Mr Angel of Music." Sir Pentious chuckled as he kept scrolling.

Lucifer froze. His flustered demeanor gone in a flash. "Don't call me that." He whispered softly.

Sir Pen looked up in surprise. He hadn't ever seen a demon look this vulnerable. Much less the king of hell. Not even in the pictures where they were kissing eachother like furious beasts. ".. alright.. I won't I'm sorry."

Lucifer nodded slowly. "Thank you."

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a little while as Sir Pentious scrolled through his phone. "I've gained over a hundred thousand followers since last night." Sir Pentious hummed.

Lucifer blinked. "That's... wow. Well at least we did manage to make you popular."

"And we managed to make people think we're Hell's new power couple." Sir Pentious chuckled.

Lucifer blushed slightly. "We barely know eachother... danger noodle." He smirked.

It was Sir Pentious' turn to blush. "I'm not a noodle." He sputtered.

Lucifer grinned and continued to tease him throughout the rest of the morning.

Halfway the afternoon their terrible headaches finally dissapeared. "Ah sweet sweet relief." Lucifer sighed. The king of hell was laying on the floor, like a bored child.

Sir Pentious had been on his phone all morning. Trying to keep up with his notifications. He was keeping up the hype and tweeting none cringy tweets for once. The snake demon had taken Lucifer's advice to stop trying to be hip. He now wrote much more genuine posts on his Tweeter. Hell's version of Twitter.

"So what will we be doing today? We accomplished your goal. You are quite popular now." Lucifer hummed softly.

"Oh that's right. I have you all to myself for six more days." The king pin grinned ominously.

Lucifer paled slightly. Well.. his rosy cheeks paled that is. He imagined every sexual and horribly painful thing he could think of.

"I know!" Sir Pentious snapped his fingers and had the eggboi deliver a package. "Open it." The snake grinned.

The devil frowned and unboxed the item carefully. He gaped at the frilly dress he took out of the box. "No! I refuse! Is this a maid outfit?"

"My next order is for you to clean the mansion. In that." Sir Pentious smirked at the humiliated devil.

Lucifer went silent. It felt like his face was on fire. He took the box and followed one of the eggs to change. "Oh and Lucifer! The panties too!" Sir Pentious laughed cruelly.

"Here I thought you were an ok dude!" Lucifer yelled angrily. Fifteen minutes later the devil came back into the room. He was blushing and pulling his skirt down slightly. "I hate you." He growled.

Sir Pentious cooed and snapped a picture. "I swear if you post that or show it to someone, I'll fucking kill you." Lucifer growled.

"You look adorable my dear." He handed Lucifer a feather duster. "Now. You have a lot to do. Dont mind me. Just making... ahem. Material for later." Sir Pentious smirked.

"Pervert." Lucifer looked amused. He took the duster and promptly bent over. To 'dust' the cabinets.

Sir Pen gasped and hid his face in his hands. "You're not supposed to tease back!"

"Oh so you can dish it out but not take it? Is that it danger noodle?" Lucifer smirked and straightened. He continued to clean the room like that. Bending over whenever Sir Pentious looked in his direction.

The snake demon was losing his mind. The Devil looked adorable in this outfit. His plan had been to gather material for his growing crush. He had admired the king of hell from afar for a while. Like.. Like a celebrity crush. It was the reason why he had tried to act so cool when they met in the alley. He had wanted to make a good impression.

Now that Sir Pentious had gotten to know the apple king his crush had only grown. Lucifer was wonderful. He could perform. He was funny and wonderful to tease. Lucifer looked good in anything he wore as well. Sir Pentious was suddenly very glad he had bought that outfit on a whim last night.

Sir Pentious smiled as he watched Lucifer move. Contrary to what Lucifer believed the snake hadn't been drunk at all. He had wanted to see what Lucifer would do if he had been. He was not disappointed.

The best part was when he got Lucifer to kiss him on the lips. Maybe making the Devil drunk to be able to kiss him was a terrible idea. It totally had been. But it was so worth it. Sir Pentious sighed with a smirk watching Lucifer work.


	5. Intruders and revelations

It was on the third day of Lucifer living with him that Sir Pentious realised he had a problem. He was head over heels for the apple king. The many pictures of Lucifer in his maid costume had been carefully filed away. Sir Pentious would heavily deny that he had also taken some panty shots for.. ahem. Reasons.

' I LIKE HIM ' the realisation finally hit him like a train wreck. "No... more like.. its love." He watched the devil read in his chair.

Lucifer looked up. "Did you say something?"

"NOPE!" The snake yelled and slipped into the kitchen. "How does dinner sound?!"

"If you're cooking it sounds awesome!" Lucifer yelled back. He smiled fondly.

Their peace and quiet was interrupted by an explosion and the pitter patter of eggs running towards the drama. "Lucifer dear can you get that?" Sir Pentious yelled.

Lucifer sighed and set his book down. Ready to go and kick some demon ass. He walked into one of the rooms to find Cherri brawling with the poor fragile eggs. "Cherri darling. I have to ask you to leave." Lucifer yawned.

Cherri stared at Lucifer. "You're..."

"Lucifer yes. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. " he repeated.

"Make me." Cherri threw a bomb at him. Lucifer batted it right back with the use of a chair. He threw it at her head as well. He grabbed his cane and started hitting Cherri with it. It was clear that she wasn't used to fighting in close quarters. She managed to dodge a few hits but he did far more damage to her, rather than she to him.

Cherri jumped out of the hole she created. "I'll be back!" She screamed and ran off. Lucifer stretched. "That was annoying."

"I have seen you destroy people far quicker than that. Why not her?" Sir Pentious joined him.

"I may be an immortal being but I'm not all powerful. That's my dad's schtick." Lucifer groaned as he rolled his shoulders. "I'm quite low on juice at the moment."

Sir Pentious blinked in surprise at him. "Really? Why is that? Is it because of the deal we made?" He asked quickly. He desperately hoped it wasn't. He did not want the Devil to hate him for this.

"What? Oh no. It's because of the recent extermination." Lucifer winced slightly. Usually he stayed inside replenishing his energy until he felt confident enough to face even Alastor again.

"The extermination? Did.. did the angels try to kill you?" Sir Pentious hissed angrily. If those feathery pricks touched his senpai, he'd personally join the redemption program. Just so he could kick their ugly asses.

Lucifer blinked at his protective behaviour. "I am tied to Hell Pentious. I can hear every prayer a demon sends into the air. I feel a stab of pure pain whenever a soul dies in here."

Sir Pentious stared at him in shock. "Oh." He pulled the devil in for a hug.

"H- hey. Danger noodle!" Lucifer struggled half heartedly.

"Shut up and let me love you." The snake demon pulled him onto the couch.

Lucifer blinked and sighed. "Ok." He smiled and let Sir Pen hug him.

The next two days they took it easy. Just spending time together. Lucifer had asked Sir Pentious whether or not this was for Lucifer's benefit. The snake demon had denied every accusation. He had told the devil he wanted to take it easy before he put Lucifer to work again.

Lucifer didn't remind him that they had only two days left now. Surprisingly he dreaded the day he could leave. Lucifer was having fun for the first time in a long while. He didn't want their fun to end so quickly.

They went bar hopping again on the sixth day of their agreement. Not to drink or anything like that. No, Lucifer had been singing around the house while he cleaned. Sir Pentious heard him complain about how he wanted a better audience than a couple of eggs.

That was the reason Sir Pentious found himself in the back of a crowded bar, while Lucifer's melodious voice rang through the room.

The snake demon relaxed with a soft drink. He leaned into the pillows and sipped the apple flavoured beverage slowly. A strange demon slid into the booth next to Sir Pentious. "You're his friend right?" The demon focused his pure blue eyes on the snake.

"Who.. Lucifer's?" Sir Pentious narrowed his eyes at the demon. The cat ears on his head seemed... fake. Very fake. Maybe you wouldn't be able to tell from a distance. This close however... it was clear how fake they were.

"What do you want with Lucifer?" Sir Pentious hissed when the 'demon' nodded. "I wish to talk to him about his daughter's hotel... oh I'm Mi..el.. Miel?" The stranger smiled.

"Are you sure about that?" Sir Pentious huffed. "MICHAEL! YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Lucifer screamed through the room. "Welp gotta go. Tell him I come in peace." 'Miel' fled the bar. Lucifer followed him. A ball of feathers and fury. "Get back here you bitch!"

Sir Pentious sighed and paid for the damages Lucifer had made when he tore through the room. He lamented the loss of his peace and quiet.

Fifteen minutes later the snake demon found the fallen angel pinning the arch angel Michael to the floor.

"You thought you could just come here back in my life and we'd just talk? You took everything from me!" Lucifer roared.

Michael's fake cat ears had fallen off. The other blonde looked disheveled. The shape of Lucifers apple cane visible in his cheek, where the Devil had hit him. "I'm not here to fight you Luci." Michael's efforts were met with a punch in the face.

"Don't. You. Fucking. Dare." He hissed angrily.

Sir Pentious watched them curiously. He had never seen the devil so emotional. "If I may." He interrupted them carefully.

A pair of sad blue and a pair of angry red eyes glared in his direction. "Perhaps this is the opportune moment to.. do some family counselling?" He offered.

Lucifer hissed angrily. His eyes glowing white. "Whatever can I hope to gain from such a thing?"

"Closure for one. It would make you feel much better than you currently are." Sir Pentious spoke in his, I-am-better-than-everyone-else voice.

Lucifer looked unconvinced. Sir Pentious grinned and played his trump card. "We can also make another deal?" He smirked. "Or I could order you." The snake demon looked incredibly smug.

Lucifer grumbled. "... another week if you're right?" He offered.

Sir Pentious grinned. "It's a deal"

Michael watched the devil and the demon in confusion. "So I'm not dead?"


	6. Of reunions and counselling

Charlie's day was going quite alright. She had gotten Angel to release his drug stash to her. Together they burnt the entirety of it. Angel had cried in pure despair as the expensive drugs went up in flames.

He was now a sad ball of fur on the couch. Charlie smiled. "I am immensely proud of you Angel." She stroked his head.

Angel whined softly. "My poor drugs." He mumbled.

Charlie looked up at the sound of the doorbell. "I've got it." She opened the door with a bright smile. "Welcome to the Happy Ho... tel?" Charlie trailed off.

Sir Pentious slithered past her dragging a curious arch angel and a pissed off devil with him. "Hello Charlie. We require your services." Sir Pentious looked incredibly pleased with himself.

Charlie looked confused. "We?" She looked at her father. His pitch black wings were out and dragging over the floor. They looked very disheveled, the blue sheen that was normally there was absent. Lucifer refused to look at her.

There was a man she didn't recognize with them. He had blonde hair styled similarly to her father's. "You must be Charlie it's a delight to finally meet you. " he smiled and offered her his hand. She shook it in confusion.

Lucifer sighed. "Charlie. Meet your uncle. Michael. He's a dick don't take any shit from him." He huffed and strode to the couch. The king of hell flopped down. "Uncle?" Charlie blinked.

"Aye. I'm the Arch angel Michael. Your father is my baby brother." Michael gave her a gentle smile.

"I will rain death and destruction on you!" Lucifer yelled from the couch.

"He's such a sweetheart." Michael sighed.

"Ok... why are you guys here?" Charlie asked in confusion.

"Ahem. Allow me princess." Sir Pentious dragged out the s. "Sir Miel here thought it was a good idea to come down to talk to Lucifer. Lucifer did not appreciate the gesture and tried to destroy his most hated brother. You know. The usual angry Lucifer." Sir Pentious hummed.

"To stop them from destroying eachother and hell in the progress I offered a deal. A promise that some counciling would help him feel better. If he does I get to spend another week with him." Sir Pentious hummed.

"And you guys came here because?" Chatlie cocked her head.

"Well don't you have a therapist? To help you solve people's wrongdoings?" Sir Pentious looked at his claws.

"No. But I can try to be mediator. Besides I'm really curious about all of this." Charlie clapped in her hands excitedly.

Sir Pentious sighed. "Get that strawberry pimp of yours to find you a therapist."

"No need." Alastor manifested behind the snake demon. Michael gaped at him. "Dude that's an awesome trick."

Ignoring the air headed angel Alastor adjusted his monocle slightly. "I have a degree in psychology. I'm sure I can figure these two out. Besides... I like a challenge."

Charlie nodded. "Ok go for it All. "

Alastor grabbed Michael and joined Lucifer on the couch. He sat in between the brothers. Mostly for Michael's safety. The angel seemed amazed by almost everything. Paying attention did not seem to be his forte.

"So. Michael let's start with you. Why are you here?" Alastor inquired.

Michael perked up. "Well I heard about this wonderful idea. To redeem souls to get them out of hell that way. And I wished to bestow my blessing onto you guys."

"Message received. You can go now." Lucifer had his arms crossed.

"Hold up. That's not all. I want to help. I wish to see the hotel succeed. So. If you. Charlie." He looked at her. "Could prey to me whenever you think you have successfully redeemed a soul. Then I could come pick them up. Actually do send them to heaven. And hopefully we'll be able to stop the exterminations entirely."

Charlie's eyes sparkled. "That's amazing. I love you uncle Mika."

Lucifer looked more and more pissed off by the second. "You think you can just waltz in here act all cute. Charm my daughter and just what? Take Hell from me too? It's bad enough that you fuckers forcefully rip away my souls each year. Now you just wanna swoop down on my daughter's command and redeem demons? These assholes are here for a reason. Redemption is a stupid fairytale and you all should just stop believing in it." Lucifer growled through his teeth.

Charlie frowned and looked down. She had heard this speech before. It hurt but she knew she wouldn't change his mind.

"Now hang on I'm doing this to help you..." Michael tried to shush Lucifer.

"Help me?! HELP ME?!" -Lucifer's voice raised in pitch. "Like you helped with my soulmate? NO THANK YOU!" He stormed out.

"What ever does he mean?" Alastor looked amused by all of the unfolding drama.

Micheal looked miserable. "I was young and inexperienced..." he muttered before straightening himself out.

"You have to know. Every angel is marked with a soul mark. A sentence or an image. Or they can see no color or only one. Or they loose stuff that end up with their soulmate..." Michael explained. "Lucifer had the image of a snake surrounded by an apple... yet he complained so much about not wanting to be tied down."

"No. You did not?" Alastor gasped. He loved the drama.

"I erased his soul mark. Lucifer was fine... until he met Lilith. He believed she was the apple to his snake. Lucifer was so.. mad when he found out he would never be sure." Michael muttered.

' Lilith is Lucifer's soulmate... he'll never return my feelings now.' Sir Pentious got up angrily. "You're a despicable being and you should be ashamed." His hood was raised in pure anger. He rushed out to find Lucifer. The snake demon didn't have to search long.

"Release me from the deal." Lucifer growled softly.

"W- what? But.. we still have a whole day?" Sir Pentious could feel dread seep into his being.

"Yes and we made another one. I feel so much worse now. I don't feel better so I win. I order you to release me." Lucifer snarled at him.

"But.. we.?" The snake's hood lowered sadly.

"Oh my fuck, Sir Pentious. I don't like you. We're not friends! We barely know eachother. Let me go."

Sir Pentious bit his lip. "Fine then leave... go spend the last day AWAY FROM ME." hurt and confused the snake slithered home.

Lucifer squared his shoulders and pretended it didn't hurt. Pretended he didn't immediately regret what he had said. He went home to his cold dark lonely castle.


	7. I'm sorry

In the back of Charlie's mind she realised she was punching something. She came back to herself when Alastor pulled her away from the unfazed angel. "You go find my dad and tell him you're sorry!" She yelled.

Michael looked offended. "What... but. He's the one that started a rebellion? Why should I be the one to apologise?"

"Because my dad will never admit his mistakes on his own. You are supposed to be the good guy. The righteous angel. You're the bigger man. So go apologise dammit!" Charlie shouted at him.

Michael looked down. "As amusing as this is. I have to agree mister big shot." Alastor grinned. "Charlie is right." He purred.

"And if you dont I'm not going to work with you anymore." The princess of hell crossed her arms. Michael's offer to help was truly an amazing opportunity. She was willing to throw it all away for her father.

Michael sighed. "Alright... I'll go talk to him.

Sir Pentious laid on his king sized bed in between the smooth blankets. He looked like a miserable ball of snake. Sir Pen sighed and imagined his friend coming in with coffee and picking him up.

He missed Lucifer. The devil's presence had filled the house. He had enjoyed their banter. Their nights out. Lucifer had helped him greatly. Sir Pentious was actually recognised on the streets. He wasn't a no face nobody anymore because of him.

Sir Pentious looked at the picture of the kiss they shared. Oh so long ago. He wailed loudly. Wanting his apple pie to come back to him.

Michael stood nervously in front of the castle. He knocked twice. Then once more when there was no answer. Lucifer pulled the door open. He looked disheveled, red eyes and puffy lips from biting on them so much.

"Oh it's you." Lucifer narrowed his eyes at Michael.

"You look like shit." Michael immediately regretted opening his mouth.

"Thanks." Lucifer glared in annoyance at him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.. I came here to apologise."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. I feel terrible regret at having removed your soul mark. I.. I also wish to apologise for... throwing you out of heaven. It might not have been my idea.. but I realise how betrayed you must have felt. I'm.. I'm sorry Luce.." Michael apologised sincerely.

Lucifer wanted to laugh. Spit in his face. He wanted to punch Michael. There were many things Lucifer wanted to do to the arch angel. One instinct won above the rest.

Lucifer hugged his big brother. "I.. I'm sorry too." He muttered.

The two ancient beings held eachother tightly. Maybe their apologies were empty. Maybe their relationship wouldn't change. But this. In this moment... it felt good.

Sir Pentious rolled out of bed when the bell rang. "I tweeted about not wanting to be disturbed. Who in the.." he trailed off when he opened the door and saw an awkward looking Lucifer standing there.

"Are you here to yell at me some more?" Sir Pentious huffed.

"No. I... you were right. If only I listened to Michael. I would have felt so much better.. he.. apologised to me. About a lot of things. We talked. And it was nice. So.. I.. I am sorry about taking my anger out on you." Lucifer bowed.

Sir Pentious' hood flared in excitement. "Wonderful this means I win the bet, doesn't it?" He grinned.

"Uh.. yes. Yes it does."

"Then I want a date. With you. A romantic dinner. Just the two of us." Sir Pentious hummed.

Lucifer blushed and blinked in surprise. "You want a date with me?"

"Yes. Is that so hard to believe?" Sir Pentious huffed. "I like you. And I wish to spend time with you. As the kids say. I think you're.. lit."

Lucifer snorted. "That one was on purpose. Dork." He took Pentious by the arm and they walked home together.

Lucifer grabbed his hair in pure despair. "I have nothing to wear!" He wailed.

"Nonsense you always look fabulous" Pentious yelled from his room.

Lucifer eventually did pick out a nice suit to wear. He didn't know why he felt the need to dress up so much. It was just a dinner between friends. Right? RIGHT? He shouldn't look into the romantic candle lit aspect of their date. It was completely platonic.

Lucifer nodded to himself. Yes. Platonic. Then why... why did he want it to be more. Lucifer groaned. After his disastrous relationship with Lilith he had never tried to find who his supposed soulmate could have been. Lilith and he had been about as compatible as fire and a nuclear bomb.

Lucifer took a deep breath and tried to remind himself that it was over. That relationship was gone. Only Charlie remained. He smiled. Alright, maybe one good thing came out of the doomed relationship that had been Lucifer and Lilith.

Lucifer stepped out of his room and walked down the stairs to the livingroom, where Sir Pentious was waiting for him.

"See I told you you would look fabulous." Sir Pentious grinned. He himself looked quite dapper in his jacket and top hat.

Lucifer flushed. "Shut up." He mumbled and dragged the snake demon out into the streets. "Where are we going today?" He smiled

"Do you know Devil's cafe?" Sir Pentious hummed.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow at him. "Very clever, noodle boy." He chuckled.

Sir Pentious whipped his ass. "Hey." Lucifer squeaked. "That's what you get." The snake demon smirked.

They made their way to the restaurant. The devil and the snake got some strange looks from other demons. They had seen the pictures on social media. No one had really believed the pictures of them kissing. They thought it had been photoshopped. Yet here they were together in a classy restaurant.

As Lucifer and Pentious settled down at their table an awkward silence settled over them.

"This feels.." Lucifer searched for the right word.

"Heavy?" Sir Pentious finished for him.

"Yes. So... You like like me?" Lucifer cocked his head curiously.

Sir Pentious nodded awkwardly. "I think you're super swell."

Lucifer smiled fondly. "I think you're swell as well."


	8. Date the devil

Throughout the next couple of weeks Lucifer realised he loved spending time with Sir Pentious. They had fun together.

Whether it be at one of the bars they frequented or the restaurant they had their dates at. Lucifer found he always enjoyed himself. It was perfectly natural when they realised they were dating.

Sir Pentious smiled at Lucifer who was quietly reading on his couch. The beautiful man was all his. Lucifer had been... peeved when Sir Pentious tweeted their relationship to the rest of Hell. An argument had followed. It ended in a heated kiss between the Apple and the Snake.

"You can't kiss your way out of everything snake!" Lucifer had yelled at him. Sir Pentious just grinned at him and kissed him again. "Yes I can."

After a couple of weeks Sir Pentious ran into Michael and Charlie. Both congratulated him on their relationship and Michael gave the demon his blessings. Albeit a bit awkwardly.

They told Sir Pentious of the hotel and how they had set up a system that really worked. They could now redeem demons and send them to heaven. Charlie was ecstatic, her project was flourishing and demons were actually showing up at the hotel.

Sir Pentious invited them both for dinner. Something that made Lucifer rather prissy. He didn't really like that Charlie was hanging out with Michael all the time. But when she was excitedly telling him about the hotel, he smiled. If his doll was happy. He would be too.

Before the two left after dinner he hugged Charlie with a small smile. "I'm proud of you." He whispered in her ear. Charlie tightened her grip. "I.. I'm not crying." She protested. "I never said you were." Lucifer chuckler and kissed the top of her head.

Weeks went by. Katie Killjoy got replaced by a cute reporter girl who everyone instantly loved. This included Tom. No one asked questions as to where the bitch had gone. It might have been better this way as well.

Lucifer ran into Alastor on an errand. The Radio Demon had mellowed out a little after he started living at the hotel. That didn't mean the tension wasn't still visible between the two of them.

" I'm glad you've stopped killing so many souls." Lucifer had hummed. "Your daughter doesn't like it." Alastor had shrugged and left it at that. Lucifer had smiled. Of course, Charlie had that effect on people.

It was a year in their relationship when Lucifer realised something. He had been thinking of his soul mark. Wondering whether or not this was what destiny intended. He slammed his face on the table. "Oh shit I'm so fucking stupid."

Sir Pentious looked up from his newest invention. He still liked to tinker with mechanics. Sir Pentious had his own guard dog but he really really liked his ray guns. "What?"

"I'm the Apple!" Lucifer yelled. He broke down laughing. Lucifer had thought himself to be the snake in his soul mark. But really he had been the apple all along. Lucifer smiled at his snake. Yes. This. This was right.

Fin


	9. authors note

Hello. So there's some things I wish to say about the snake and the apple.

First off I had a blast writing this. Besides it only being roughly 8000 words. I realise it is a bit of a rollercoaster at times. Less focused on Sir Pentious and more on Lucifer. Also less ship focused at times. I just basically did whatever I felt like doing. Not to mention how i started writing on a whim.

Now. Time for shameless self promotion. I am going to write a Lucifer x Alastor story next. I know the plot and it's going to be dark. I mostly ended this fic so I could start on the new one. Not to mention how I lost inspiration at chapter 6. But alas.

Thank you all for reading and I hope you'll follow me to the next story.

'The new king'

Alastor finds a weakened Lucifer after the recent extermination. He decides to take advantage of the situation and becomes the new king of Hell.


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